The OF Blog: If I ever write an epic/heroic fantasy, I would...

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

If I ever write an epic/heroic fantasy, I would...

1. The "hero" would neither be a saint or "gritty anti-hero"; s/he would be a neurotic accountant type.

2. The setting would not be in some sort of quasi-medieval setting. Appalachia or Wyoming would be more suitable locales.

3. There would be heretics, but neither the heretics nor the official religion would be praised or condemned in full.

4. Any fictional religion would not be founded upon dualism. Manicheanism bores me. I think it would be based on hedonistic drug use and the donning of Smurf attire.

5. There will be no world-wise mage or sarcastic sidekicks; the characters will all be clueless fucks at times, moderately intelligent people at other times.

6. The male lead will not have indiscriminate sex with females, males, or barnyard animals without said females, males, and barnyard animals having their own rationales for consenting presented for the reader to consider.

7. There may be a dwarf or two tossed, but no salads.

8. Fictional races will neither be analogues for a mythological "unfallen state" or for socialists. Anarchists, however, might be fair game.

9. Have the general dialect either be that of Long Island or (if writing in Spanish) that of Gallicia.

10. The male lead likely would have a potbelly and the female lead would have sagging breasts, to make it "realistic" for those in their 30s and beyond.

11. No "opposites attract" storylines; best to have them being irritable the entire time.

12. William Shatner and/or Danny Bonaduce would be the model for a lead male character. Danny DeVito for other characters, and Barney the Dinosaur would make cameo appearences with Janeane Garofolo.

13. All barbarians would be depicted as wearing tighty-whities while sitting around the couch watching replays of the last joust.

14. The only joust that would appear in the story would be based on the old Atari game.

15. Any map that would be published would be that of the subway system and would be totally inaccurate.

16. Caucasians would not exist in my tale, because default settings generally suck ass.

17. I would likely shoot myself before ever beginning the writing of this tale; Kevin Anderson would complete it, however.

Feel free to add your own suggestions to this silly list.


billy said...

Larry, this sounds like a fairly accurate description of modern mainstream fiction. You'll be drowning in success.

Oh, and don't forget about the ancient relic of power that must be attained, but not without sacrificing a main character first. Can't forget to stick that moment of catharsis somewhere near the end (doesn't even really matter where, exactly. Just as long as it's there).

Eddie Clark said...

This sounds like Farscape, only with fat Ben Browder. And swords. And set in Appalachia. This is not a bad thing - space opera that doesn't take itself at all seriously is the only sort that isn't unintentionally funny, and the same would probably apply to epic fantasy. Because space opera is just epic fantasy with lightsabers.

And as an added rule, I think that e'very wor'd sho'ld ha've poin'tless glot'tal st'op ap'ostrophes. Because clearly, glottal stops make everything seem cooler and more fantasyish, so should be used with impunity.

Larry said...

Good suggestions. Can't believe I also forgot to add copious amounts of nad/breast "adjustments," often accompanied by Master P going "Ugh!"

Ellestra said...

Now I really want to read about rationales for consenting to sex of barnyard animals.

Larry said...

Besides the worn-out "well, it was just sticking it out there and shaking its moneymaker for me, inviting me in!" defense? :P

Anonymous said...

I'm actually working on an
sf novel with fantasy elements with characters based on pre-Columbian Native Americans who left Earth 1000 years ago then returned to present day Minnesota. Their language is based on Ojibwe and bears the oc'casional glottal stop.

Mary C

Blue Tyson said...

The Smurf Kill Kult Book One - To Duel on Big Feathery Things?

J M McDermott said...

Did you hack my computer? Did you steal my latest rough draft!?


J M McDermott said...

Pregnant women would be neither totally useless, bedridden, helpless girls, nor would they be miraculously capable of keeping up with the burly men.

There would be a realistic middle ground wherein pregnant women are neither useless, nor unimpaired by their condition.

Master Prudent said...

Deaths would not conveniently enable every "good" person under the age of 40 to pair up.

Timothy Growl said...

Funny and witty way of writing your epic story. it's a cliche to see Barbarians and William Shatner in your story.

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meese said...

I think it would be based on hedonistic drug use and the donning of Smurf attire.

lol... where do i sign up

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