The OF Blog: Juvenilia

Monday, May 30, 2011


Long before Blogger or any other blog network became prevalent, there were those tacky old "personal web sites" that were available when one signed up with a particular ISP.  My best friend from our days at the University of Tennessee, Jonathan, set up one of those in the late 1990s (I want to say it was 1997, or around the time I got my first email account) and he collected all sorts of odd writings that he and I would send to each other from 1997-2001.

One of the more sane pieces I wrote was a short mashup of Freudian psychology (he and I both minored in psychology) and The Andy Griffith Show, called "Lost Episode:  When Worlds Collide!":

I was sitting (or maybe it was standing) around thinking of something that I could write, when as usual I thought I would combine two totally different things in one setting.  In the tradition of Luge Bowling, Barcalounger Skiing, and Full Contact Golf, I bring you Freud the Barber.
Scenerio:  Lost Episode of the Andy Griffith Show.  Floyd is having to go on a trip and is going to be gone for about 2 months.  Knowing that he is the only barber in Mayberry, Floyd assures Andy and friends that he has an excellent replacement barber, his own older brother Freud.  However, as Andy, Barney, Goober, Gomer, and pals soon discover, Freud the Barber talks a little different than his younger brother Floyd.
Andy goes to get his hair cut, willing to try the new barber out for size.  As he sits down at the chair, Freud starts psychoanalyzing Andy's hair.  Freud notes that Andy's stiffened hair denotes a personality that is very anal-retentive, meaning that Andy is very stubborn and is unlikely to accept change.  Furthermore, Freud states that Andy's obsession with wearing his police outfit demonstrates an inner need for acceptance, as Andy seems to believe that only by constantly wearing the symbols of office could he be accepted by others.  Freud starts to launch a treatise about Andy's inability to consummate a relationship and how this is reflected in his subtle erotic emotions regarding Aunt Bee.  Andy, by this time irritated, leaves in a huff and without getting his hair cut.
Barney is the next character to venture to Freud's shop.  As he sits down, he too is subjected to psychoanalysis.  Freud states that Barney's insistence on carrying a bullet for his gun demonstrates a proxy relationship in which the gun acts as a surrogate lovegun.  Also, the single bullet represents Barney's relative impotence in his relationships with people.  Barney tries to nip it in the bud, but Freud continues, stating that Barney is a prime example of society in mass discontent.  Barney, totally flustered, leaves, also without getting his hair cut.
When Goober shows up, Freud quickly points out that Goober's inane imitation of Cary Grant demonstrates not just hero worship, but also secret homoerotic feelings toward Gomer his cousin.  Goober is so shaken by this, that he leaves without getting his hair cut.  He was last seen saying "Judy Judy Judy."
Gomer, like the rest of the cast, came in for a haircut, but instead got psychoanalyzed.  Gomer's "Gollee", Freud notes, is a substitution for Gomer's feelings of inadequacy.  His blushes demonstrate a lack of maturity and his fixation on kissing reflects a man stuck deep in the Oral Stage of Development.  As Freud suggests prostitution as a means of treating his condition, Gomer is shocked and passes out.  As he is carried out, he too forgets to stay to get his hair cut.
When Floyd returns from his visit, he discovers that the entire town is now populated by a bunch of long-haired freaks.  This development helped to bring the sixties to the rural towns of the South.
Copyright (and copyleft) 2000, Llamalord Productions.


Yes, before squirrels entered my life, there were llamas that served as a symbolic representation of...err...something in my life.  Doubtless, Freud the Barber would have had fun with this.

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